dreaming big
In one of my mom's classic panic attacks a few weeks ago, I realized that I didn't have a Big Dream. I knew what kind of life I'd like to lead, but I didn't have anything concrete. And, as it turns out, that is pretty important. My mom was asking me what I wanted to be, what I wanted to achieve, and I couldn't give a straight answer. I had all these short term goals, but they're all over the place! I wanted to work at this place, go to this place, experience this thing. My mom was asking me for something I looked forward to. Let me tell you, realizing that you don't have a dream is pretty damn scary.
I thought I knew what I wanted. But the things I wanted... well, they're too small. I've actually made a dent into my short term goals in the short time since graduation. What next? It's not easy to realize that you've been a coward, short-sighted, and unambitous. I've always had a definite idea about life and about myself that it shocks me that I never saw this coming. Why did I never have a Big Dream? Probably because life was just too easy for me. Most people, in their formative years, are struck by one experience that changes how they see the world. Maybe they see a need and they feel they have to fill it.
I was just cruising, taking in the sights. I was interested in too many things, I guess, that eventually, I kind of just thought that I won't be able to do them all. I realize now that I've done much more daydreaming and writing about my daydreams than actually doing anything about them. For example, every time I pass by the fishing ponds in Cavite, I keep thinking that maybe I can organize volunteers for barangays to do something about the environment. I plan it all in my head and talk it over with my parents, but somehow I never get off my butt to do it.
In college, I took up a course that centered around multimedia. I've always been messing around with web pages, but I'm thinking now that that's not what I'm going to pursue. I'm going to write. Yes, write. It's the best way to experience new things and make a profit. I've found my Big Dream, and it's a very specific one. I'm not going to write it out here just in case it doesn't work out or something. I'll keep it close and hold it tight and let go at the right time.
For now, I'm just building up experience. And building up the courage to go after my dream. Whew.
I thought I knew what I wanted. But the things I wanted... well, they're too small. I've actually made a dent into my short term goals in the short time since graduation. What next? It's not easy to realize that you've been a coward, short-sighted, and unambitous. I've always had a definite idea about life and about myself that it shocks me that I never saw this coming. Why did I never have a Big Dream? Probably because life was just too easy for me. Most people, in their formative years, are struck by one experience that changes how they see the world. Maybe they see a need and they feel they have to fill it.
I was just cruising, taking in the sights. I was interested in too many things, I guess, that eventually, I kind of just thought that I won't be able to do them all. I realize now that I've done much more daydreaming and writing about my daydreams than actually doing anything about them. For example, every time I pass by the fishing ponds in Cavite, I keep thinking that maybe I can organize volunteers for barangays to do something about the environment. I plan it all in my head and talk it over with my parents, but somehow I never get off my butt to do it.
In college, I took up a course that centered around multimedia. I've always been messing around with web pages, but I'm thinking now that that's not what I'm going to pursue. I'm going to write. Yes, write. It's the best way to experience new things and make a profit. I've found my Big Dream, and it's a very specific one. I'm not going to write it out here just in case it doesn't work out or something. I'll keep it close and hold it tight and let go at the right time.
For now, I'm just building up experience. And building up the courage to go after my dream. Whew.
5 Comments:
At 2:48 AM,
Rachelle Grace said…
hey tots! :)
i miss you and the gang. so nice to get updated by reading your current posts.
my two cents:
the fact that you are looking for a big dream right after realizing that you don't have one is already a good thing. sometimes it takes some time for us to figure out what we really want. and i tell you, it could be very tumultous. i had a hell of a time letting go of law for the moment.
but just pray and work hard and things will turn out as they should turn out.
good luck with the applications! :) i hope you get the job you want and that's right for you.
i'm always here.
loveyeah! :) mwah!
At 11:37 AM,
mitzi said…
it's ok to dream, but you have to do your dream. :)
what should i do? what do you think should i pursue? should i go for dent? or should i study histo? should i study masters and stuff for ed/psych/histo?
At 11:38 AM,
mitzi said…
ps: why don't you update LJ?
At 9:43 AM,
tin said…
Rache: Thanks. Miss you guys, too! :( sobra. as in. labas naman tayo o...
and thanks for the support. hope you're having fun at your job. :)
mitz: yep, am doing my dream na. scary but true. actually, i'm working towards 4 dreams at the moment. haha. busy busy. :)
as for what you should do... hmm... what would make you happy ba? think end goals. as in what would you like to be talaga, not simply what you're interested in. hope that helps.
and i don't update LJ cos it's too hard to change from one account to another. *sigh* and nobody reads my LJ naman. :)
At 10:37 AM,
mitzi said…
people read your LJ: but because you're such a hardheaded dudette, i told you to add friends. that way people know would know when you've updated. but you're stubborn so akala mo lang wala. pero kung may LJ friends ka, mas madali talaga magupdate sa LJ.
i've always wanted to teach and be a dentist. and it's just not interest. it's a passion for both. so it's really quite hard to discern.
wow weekend bookstore. astig. :) i'll visitee you!!!
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